Magick is lonely.
It just is.
The work of a Magus is of a type that by necessity inculcates one with a sense of Secrecy. Serious practitioners know that the Burning Times aren't as a far off as they'd like to think. Reading Tarot makes you a bit exotic, casting spells and summoning Demons can get your house burnt down by aggrieved townsfolk. As a result, a discursive nature is a positive boon for the practicing magus.
There is also a tendency to bookishness and not the sort one discusses at the coffee klatch...Or wherever it is that they discuss books now. Enneagrammatically, I would have to say that I am a Five. On the rare occasions that I am invited to parties, I usually take a book. It's not that I don't enjoy the occasional social discourse, but I’m not really wired for it. Also, in my circles, the people who are most social are either cult leaders or charlatans.
I look on with naked envy whenever I am present at a gathering of those who pursue the arts, and I see people who have paired off. Moreover, I am filled with even greater envy at those who have relationships that seem strong at all. My particular niche is not necessarily peopled with human beings known for their emotional stability.
A
nd the hell of it is, finding what you desire is a great deal more complicated when you know what you WANT out of a relationship. It's much easier to do these things as a young person. To dive into relationships with particularly reckless abandon, trusting to your own youth-derived invincibility. It's easier to get hurt and shrug it all off when you are young. It's easier to believe someone when they say that they love you. It's far easier to lie to yourself.
Look, if all I wanted was a quick roll in the sack, I could have that. There are spells for that. But, that sort of thing is more trouble than it's worth. And it creates subtle bonds between you and whomever you're humping. I personally don't believe in casual sex as a result of this alone. But for the most part what I want is much more difficult.
Love is Alchemy. It is not a thing in and of itself. Not some grail to be fruitlessly chased after. It is a compound that you and your intended must make. It requires three things, passion, trust, and obligation. You may have two elements, and you may have a good and lasting relationship on the basis of that. But you do not have love. More's the tragedy. And sadly, this has become my quandary, for I cannot seem to find this combination with anyone remotely suitable and Magi my age rarely do. I suspect that I shall die alone. I don't see me finding someone who can understand me at this late date, via some Internet dating service or through speed dating.
"So. What do you do for a living?"
"I study the occult and ponder the eternal mysteries of existence."
"OKAY!. We're done here, I think."
It's also a problem of not being an average person. I am a person who seeks truth in an increasingly truth-free world, looking to peel back the skin of the world for a just a glimpse of the metaphysical gears underneath. What in the nine hopping hells would I have to say to someone who works in an office, or is a soccer mom?
In truth, it's a bit like a subtle knife in the heart. For the most part, I am fine to be alone. I have my books. I have my Internet, which, as much I rail against it, is an effective window on the world. On occasion, I can meet with colleagues and compare notes.
But, there are nights when I feel that knife and I'll feel it so keenly that it will make me want to howl at the thrice-blessed moon. I look back at the few relationships I've had and wonder what made it so easy for them to dispose of me. My arrogance? Was I aloof or cold? Did I smother them? Was I an ass? I turn these failures over in my mind, and of course, sleep eludes me. At least I have the "Low Self Esteem Follies" to keep me entertained each time I shut my eyes.
Don't be deceived. Your own mind is more capable of tormenting you than any demon or devil you can conjure.
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